Stephen Colbert

George Bush: Great president or the greatest president?

Either you are for the war [in Iraq] or you hate America

Say I wanted to know who killed President Kennedy: John Fitzgerald Kennedy...F. Scott Fitzgerald...The Great Gatsby...The Great Escape...Escape from New York...The Big Apple...Apples and Oranges...A Clockwork Orange...Stanley Kubrick...directed Barry Lyndon...Lyndon Johnson, oh my God! It was all a plot by Lyndon Johnson to attain the presidency so he could escalate the involvement in the Vietnam War! Makes so much sense.

Varying reports on the Hurricane Katrina debacle are pointing fingers in many directions. Who's really to blame for the slow response to the disaster? Let's think about it: Hurricane Katrina...Katrina and the Waves...Waves in the Oceans...Ocean's full of Fish...One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish...Dr. Seuss...The Cat in the Hat...Mike Myers. Oh my God, it's Mike Myers' fault! No wonder he kept quiet when Kanye West started blaming President Bush!

Everyone wants to know who's gonna win the Oscars. Let's start with Best Supporting Actress: you get support from support groups like AA...AAA...XXX...X the Owl...Henrietta Pussycat...What's New Pussycat...Tom Jones...Star Jones...Star Wars...WarGames...Winter Games...Wintergreen...Winter Garden...beer garden...Weisse Beer...Rachel Weisz will win Best Supporting Actress! Oh, she is so lovely.

If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it.

Ignorance is bliss. Oedipus ruined a great sex life by asking too many questions.

Hey, you know, I love Korea. See? I'm having a... Bulgogi tonight! lovely. That is a... not sure what's in there but I do know that you crack a roll egg over it. And... I ... am... going to... enjoy that... a little bit later.

Now, I've never been a fan of amphibians. Not only do they strengthen the argument for evolution, they are nature's fence sitters. Come on, amphibians. Which is it? Water or land? Pick one, we're at war.

I've said it a million times: Romance languages lead to premarital sex.

Colbert: Look, do you believe there's a God?

Bart Ehrman: I'm not sure.

Colbert: Really?

Ehrman: Yeah.

Colbert: So you're an agnostic?

Ehrman: That's right.

Colbert: Isn't that just an atheist without balls?

If you non-Catholic Christians are upset, well, just have your Pope issue a response. Oh, that's right, you don't have a Pope because your faith is defective. Sorry, Catholicism is clearly superior. Don't believe me? Name one Protestant denomination that could afford a $660 million sexual abuse settlement. I think that the Lord has spoken on this one.

The next President will live in the White House...white guy...Guy Smiley...smiley face...horse face...horseshoe...shoe box...Johann Sebastian Bach...Baroque music...Baroque Obama, NO!

Hey, alternating current, why don't you just admit you're bi?

Beauty isn't in the eye of the beholder. I've checked. There's nothing in there but veins and goo.

Hey autumnal equinox, if the nights are getting longer, why is my show still only a half an hour?

E.R is off the air after 15 seasons. That's what you get with Obama's socialized medicine.

If the eyes are the window to the soul, then why do they hurt when I spray them with Windex?

A broken clock is right twice a day. So go out and get yourself 720 clocks.

If it's an eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth, why is there no Eyefairy?